"I remember this man from yesterday. He looks very interesting. He has such strong legs and he walks so upright and confident. I would like to talk to him, to learn something about him."

"Hello!"

"Why has he spoken to me? I don’t know him and he has spoken to me. This is very friendly, I will smile back to him. Now he is coming back to talk with me. What shall I say to him? Perhaps I shouldn’t have smiled at him!"

"It is strange to get such personal compliments from another man. I think his eyes are very beautiful too, but I would never have the courage to say this to a complete stranger, especially a man! Perhaps I should tell him I have a date with my girlfriend tonight. Maybe he is a homosexual. No, I will go to his apartment with him. I’m sure he is just very friendly."

"I feel so good being here with him. This is the way I feel with Erik, but I would never have the courage to be so intimate with Erik. I have told this man several times now that I am not interested in being sexual with a man. I think it’s O.K. to experiment with him and he will not misunderstand. I don’t want him to think I’m gay! It feels so good for him to be holding me. When I smell his body odor I remember my girlfriend telling me to wash before she will touch me. She tells me I stink! He puts his nose in my armpit and tells me I smell like a man."

"It’s O.K. for him to kiss my face or my forehead but not on the lips. I am not sexually attracted to men so I am not interested in kissing him on the lips. When he tries to kiss me on the lips I feel like a woman. I feel this strange vulnerable feeling of being over-powered and this makes me feel weak, like a woman."

"Would you like to have a beer, Dieter?"

"Yes, another beer would be nice."

"I like the feeling of lying here nude with no inhibitions. I trust him. His body feels so warm and I can smell the odor of his body and mine together. My girlfriend would make us both take a shower! It’s so good that we can do this like two good friends who just happen to be nude, who just happen to be men, holding each other with affection and no sexual feelings."

"He has an erection. I can feel it on my stomach. I must not look at him. I must not get an erection. He will misunderstand if I get an erection. I want to touch it just to see what it feels like to hold another man’s penis in my hand. He won’t mind and after all I am not Gay. This may be my only chance to have this experience and no one else will ever know."

"No, no, no, no!"

"I have an erection. What does this mean? I must make it go away! He wants to kiss me on the lips again. I think I want to kiss him too. No, I am not a woman! I will not kiss him on the lips!"

"His tongue feels good in my mouth. I like kissing him! Does this mean I’m gay. I can’t be gay, I have a girlfriend!"

"I have never had such feelings with a woman!" Dieter said aloud as he let his first thought escape. "This is who I am!" he said as he started to cry with joy. "I feel as though I’m making love to myself."

The two men made love into the early morning hours, then fell asleep beside each other. In the morning, when Dieter’s new companion rolled over to put his arm around him, Dieter jumped from the bed and screamed, "don’t touch me!"

Dieter went to the kitchen and poured himself a strong drink. When his friend finally came from the shower he was already drunk.

"I am not sexually attracted to men!" Dieter shouted. "You tricked me!"

His friend walked over to him, attempting to put his arms around Dieter to console him. When he attempted to speak Dieter shouted him down.

"You talk fast and you trick people. I get to choose when someone can touch me and who can touch me. I get to choose when I want people to tell me how they feel. Now you must be silent, because when you speak you make me believe things about myself that are not true. You make me say things I don’t really mean."

Dieter walked out onto the street and returned to his thoughts. "I will call my girlfriend and ask her to spend the night. How could he believe that I would choose his world with AIDS and the prejudice against homosexuals. I would have to give up everything that’s good in my life. I am not sexually attracted to men. I am not gay! He just doesn’t understand how to control his feelings like I do. He is very clever. He tricked me!"