Jerry was born ten minutes before John, putting him in the role of older brother. In their twenty-three years together he had always felt compelled to counsel his younger brother, imparting all the wisdom he had gained in the ten minutes his little brother had remained in the womb. On this their twenty-third birthday John had been careful to schedule some time for them to be alone together. Jerry was sure his twin brother needed advice before they set off on their separate adventures. Jerry was about to embark upon a trip around the world. This would be the first time in their lives they would be separated for more than just a few days. The party was supposed to have ended one hour before. They had finally seen the last guest to the door. Jerry was lying on his back with his arm across his brow, a smile on his face as if contemplating some fond memory. John was lying on the floor beside him facing Jerry with his head supported in the palm of his right hand, his knees bent forward.

"Remember the day you discovered how to masturbate? I told you I had been doing it for one year already!" John laughed. "You were pissed off that I had kept a secret from you."

"Yeah, maybe you did it first," snapped Jerry, "but who taught you the real facts of life?"

"That’s exactly what I want to talk about," John said as he positioned himself on both knees.

"Don’t tell me you got some chick pregnant!" Jerry gasped as he sat straight up.

"No, but I am moving in with someone next week."

Jerry remained silent as he got up from the floor and slumped into the overstuffed chair directly behind him. He looked down at his little brother before breaking the silence.

"How long have you had this little secret?" His tone was like that of a jealous lover.

"Probably since the day you thought you told me the facts of life!"

"What do you mean thought ? Who is this girl anyway?"

"This is my point exactly. You always assume you know everything and now you assume that it’s a girl."

"You mean you are moving in with a friend. Why the Hell didn’t you say so in the first place?"

"Because he’s more than a friend, he’s my lover and his name is Michael."

After yelling a few choice obscenities Jerry stormed out slamming the door behind him. He spent the night with a sympathetic woman friend who drove him to the airport the next morning. John had underestimated his brother’s response and now they were both left to reassess their feelings for each other.

As Jerry watched Seattle become obscured by the clouds below him, he began to cry. This trip had been meant to symbolize his passage into manhood. In a way it had been a deliberate attempt to sever the dependence he imagined in his younger brother. He had calculated every minute detail, imagining John coming to terms with life in the painful realization of their separation. Somehow the whole plan had back-fired. Now he felt afraid of being out in the world alone himself. It was in this moment of fear that he realized someone was seated beside him. He covertly dried his eyes before turning away from the window.

His travel companion was a middle-aged Japanese businessman wearing an expensive silk suit. He had dark hair with exactly the right amount of gray at the temples to make him look distinguished. He was reading a business magazine which he had placed on his lap when he noticed Jerry looking his way. Sensing Jerry’s emotional state he began the conversation by distracting Jerry with meaningless chatter. By the time the plane had landed at Narita airport in Tokyo, Asakichi had invited Jerry to be his guest in his home. Jerry had gracefully accepted, thereby postponing his passage into the world of single people. He had subconsciously replaced his brother and renewed his own dependence. There was something about Asakichi that felt very familiar and safe.

The two men got along so well that Jerry extended his visit to one month. He was astounded by what he deemed to be the Japanese custom of spoiling foreign guests with lavish gifts and expensive dinners. When Asakichi took him to catch his flight to Sydney, Jerry found himself engaged in a rather long embrace. He thought about his departure from Seattle, from his brother, as he once again faced the fear of solitude. He found Asakichi’s embrace comforting and the context of his new life allowed him to continue the embrace to a length that would have been deemed inappropriate back home. Jerry was not even aware yet that he had already changed.

In the airport in Sydney, Jerry had changed money and stood with his backpack between his legs. He had made no advance arrangements so he stood waiting for his brain to adjust to the new environment so he could make a conscious decision. This was the first time in his life he was truly alone. He wasn’t even aware that anyone was standing beside him until he heard a voice in his left ear. He turned, startled, with a blank look on his face. There standing beside him was a woman with a very short haircut and a huge scarf wrapped several times around her neck. She spoke with an Irish accent.

"I said you look lost !" she repeated.

She instructed Jerry to put on his backpack so she could show him to the inexpensive tourist rooms. He was not about to pass up yet another opportunity to stave off his impending solitude. They boarded a bus together, exchanging short biographies on the way to their destination. As the bus left them together at a downtown intersection, they both struggled to place their respective packs on their backs. Jerry wasted no time suggesting they share a room.

"Oh that won’t be necessary," she laughed. "I’m staying with my brother and his boyfriend. It’s too bad there isn’t room for you there. They would be very happy if I brought you home!" she laughed again as she walked away. He watched her disappear around the next corner as her laughter dissipated. He thought about his brother and his new boyfriend and Jerry began to feel more lonesome than he had ever imagined possible.

That evening Jerry found himself sitting on a stool in a smoke filled bar. It was the perfect movie scene to reflect his feelings. He knew the lines and the plot by heart. If he waited long enough he would be rescued by a beautiful woman who would allow him to release all of his pent up emotion. She appeared on cue and was now practically sitting on his lap. After buying her three cocktails he decided to pay the tab before inviting her to his room. Even the outrageous price of the cocktails had not clued him into his impending doom. When she attempted to negotiate a price for the evening he was unable to pay, having already spent the last of his Australian dollars on the drinks. Jerry left the bar with his tail between his legs.

By the time Jerry arrived in Athens he had eleven months of travel experience behind him. As the taxi wound its way toward the Plaka he could catch glimpses of the Acropolis. He thought about how he had become a more seasoned traveler since that smoke filled bar in Sydney. He was confident that he would not make the same mistake again. Tonight he had arranged to meet a British girl at her hotel. He had met her and her girlfriend at the airport earlier in the day. He focused on his evening date as he walked through the Plaka getting the feel for Athens. In the late afternoon he took a long hot shower, put on his best clothes and prepared for his evening date. He picked up the clothes scattered on the floor and pushed them into his backpack. He straightened the sheets on the bed, brushed off the cookie crumbs, then turned back one corner of the sheet to make it look more inviting.

Jerry stood in the lobby of the girl’s hotel at exactly eight p.m. as he had been instructed. At eight fifteen the girlfriend of his date came down to inform him that Carole was no longer interested in seeing him. She gave no explanation for the change of heart, but simply left Jerry sitting alone in the lobby. Jerry tossed several ideas around in his head. He could rise above the situation and simply get on with his life, he could get angry, or he could wallow in self pity. Of course Jerry chose self pity because it was the most familiar to him. He walked into the park near Syntagma Square and seated himself on one of the benches. Jerry was soon joined by a young Greek boy.

"Why do you sit in park alone at night?"

"Because I have women troubles!"

"Maybe you need boy, forget about woman!"

"I am not Gay!"

Jerry looked over at the boy and was taken by the beautiful eye lashes that framed his dark glassy eyes. In a weak moment he had the urge to reach over and touch the beautiful olive complexion. Jerry decided these were his brother’s thoughts invading his mind. He said good-night to the boy and began to walk back to his hotel. The boy got up and followed him.

"Why will you not make love to me?"

"I don’t make love to boys!"

"Do you think I am not beautiful?"

"No, I think you are very beautiful!" Jerry was surprised to hear himself say.

With this the boy turned and walked away with a satisfied grin on his face. Jerry was surprised at how easily he had admitted his feelings to the boy. He was also surprised that he felt lonely in the boy’s absence. That night Jerry awoke from a dream. His sheets were soaked with sweat and he had an erection he couldn’t seem to get rid of. Jerry was disturbed by the memory of the dream. This was the second time since leaving on his journey that he had the same dream. Jerry had dreamed he was in an intense sexual encounter with a Black man with an enormous penis. He could only attribute it to his brother once again. They had shared the same dreams sometimes as children, but now Jerry would have a difficult time believing that this was a part of himself.

This time Jerry could see the landmarks of Seattle very well. There were no clouds to obscure the view and no tears in his eyes. It was a changed man who had come back to surprise his brother on their twenty-fourth birthday. He had been softened and enlightened by his worldly travels. He had come to understand his brother’s lifestyle through his own experiences. Jerry considered himself a tolerant compassionate man who was hopelessly attracted to women.

Jerry had made arrangements through a mutual friend to surprise his brother John. As they had done as children many times, he was able to fool the landlord, convincing him that he was in fact John who had lost his keys. The landlord was more than happy to let him into John’s apartment. Jerry hid his bags in the hall closet, then went into the bathroom to take a shower. It was still one hour before his brother was to arrive home from work. Jerry was rinsing his hair, so he never heard the voice from the hallway.

"Nick told me you lost your keys. Is that why your car isn’t in the garage?"

Jerry heard the bathroom door open as he was rinsing the soap from his face. He imagined that his surprise had been spoiled. He flashed back to the times when John would sneak into the shower and grab him as he hummed the tune to the shower scene from the movie "Psycho". He closed his eyes and kept his face under the shower to play along with his brother’s game. Just as he suspected he felt two hands grab him from behind. He heard the tune from "Psycho" slowly translated into "Happy Birthday to You". He turned to face his brother, overwhelmed with love and a feeling of resolution. Jerry was speechless to find himself in the arms of a complete stranger. The stranger placed Jerry’s hand on the shaft of his erect penis. The stranger then ran his tongue down the center of Jerry’s torso, swallowing any ideas of protest.

Jerry and John were identical twins. They shared the same tastes in books, wine, food, clothes and as Jerry would soon have to admit, also men. Jerry allowed his brother to unmask his charade when he returned home from work. He had enjoyed the attention of his brother’s lover until it was interrupted by John’s arrival. John found the pair in the bedroom and joined them after the initial shock.

Today John and Jerry celebrate their forty-fourth birthday together with their twentieth anniversary with Michael.